Friends in Strange Places

Had a beer with Death the other day; nice guy but pretty over-rated. He’s got a serious inadequacy complex; I mean come on, how would you feel if you were responsible for every death from the beginning of time till the end? And don’t even THINK about mentioning Final Destination, he hates those movies. Spent six months in therapy after the first one came out, he was sure he was screwed. I think he’s just depressed because he’s got a bum rap.

But Death’s an alright guy overall, and he did introduced me to some of his friends.

The Four Horsemen were pretty cool but they’re WAY too into “the biz” for most folks. Plus they don’t like to talk, I guess they’re just too focused on the end of the world and all those shenannigans, not really a group for casual conversation.

And unless you’ve got a special place in your heart for chaos, destruction, and general fucking mayhem I highly suggest you DO NOT buy the Angel of Death any shots; you’d be surprised how much gets destroyed when you have an angry, drunk, nearly all-powerful spirit of vengeance on your hands. And he gets seriously pissed about little things, like how most people get him confused with Death. Goes on and on about how he’s got so much more training, he’s a specialist, a surgeon, a delicate instrument of vengeance only used in extreme circumstances…blah blah blah.

Still, he’d probably be pretty cool, if you can ever get him past Sodom and Gomorra; it’s weird, you’d think killing the firstborn of entire nation would be his proudest moment but no, a couple drinks and it’s all “I fried this guy on the chamber pot” and “I pulled the roof off this brothel so they’d see it coming; dude, you should’ve seen their faces it was awesome!”

I mean come on, yeah fiery wrath and the end of everything is pretty freakin’ awesome but the Angel of Death’s only got so many stories, The Four Horsemen don’t really speak anything past monosyllables, and Death’s always depressed. Once you know one spirit of vengeance or destruction, you know ‘em all. Just don’t tell Death I said that, I really can’t take any more of his sob-stories.